Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
