Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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