just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
