I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
