Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
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