My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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