my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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