even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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