I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
