we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Randomize
