i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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