your room smells of hookers.
And success
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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