Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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