im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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