I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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