So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
