Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
