stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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