I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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