At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
