you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize