It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
