What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
