Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
