Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
