can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Randomize
