If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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