Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
