I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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