Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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