So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
