I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize