you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
