I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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