I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
