best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
