Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
He passed out mid-signature
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
