hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
