So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 609 share tweet
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
