i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
