tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
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