you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
