the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
