Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
