Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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