If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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