Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize