just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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