um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
