The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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