I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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