I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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