I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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