I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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