he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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