Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
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